Way, Way Behind...

In honor of today being on the cusp of a brand-new year, and (theoretically) a new start, I'm going to preemptively begin 2009 on the right foot with a timely blog post. I was a little embarrassed to realize that I've averaged about 2 posts a month for the fall...so much for keeping our distant friends and family in the loop.

I blame my sincere, albeit foolhardy, belief that I can keep up with everything for my inability to keep up with....well, anything, really. I'm afraid I'm a victim of the propaganda machine- whenever I see a list of what someone says I "should" be doing, I think, "you bet, I can do that." Even though I almost never actually do anything close. Example?

Well, let's start with Martha Stewart Living's "Gentle Reminders" page for December. [Clearly "Gentle Reminder" is passive-aggressive speak for "If you can't even keep up with these things you're life is dirt, you bonbon-eating, daytime-TV-watching-slacker."]

• Make handcrafted holders for gift cards. (Surprisingly, no one got gift cards this year, so I skipped this with a clear conscience. However, no one whose gifts had to be mailed got them on time, either)
  
• Tape gift receipts into boxes, pre-install batteries in gifts. (I went with the theory that I got everyone exactly what they wanted, no need for returns.)
  
• Include ingredient lists in homemade food gifts so pets are safe. (This seems to indicate that my Christmas cookies are going straight to the dog bowl. I'm a little insulted.)
• Volunteer at a food pantry or animal shelter. (I don't think Hannah's grabby hands are the kind of "little helper" they had in mind...we're going to have to do good with a check this year.)
  
• Wrap gifts immediately after purchase. (Easy to do if you don't shop until the 23rd; I doubt that's what Martha had in mind)
• Trim trees and shrubs slowly to make sure you don't remove too much (Even easier if you skip the trimming/winterizing altogether)

So far, not so bad. I don't feel like my life is ending because I failed Martha's list. She must have found the holiday spirit and gone easy on us. Not the case for the author of Super Baby Food, the book widely recommended by my baby group for learning how to properly feed your baby. There are so many guidelines and suggestions, many of which apply to what/how adults should be eating, that I'm surprised any of us are still alive. A sampling:

• Babies need water, but your tap water may or may not be safe. Bottled water is often nothing more than tap water with a fancy name. Distilled water is nutrient-free and useless. Basically you need to make your own water. And after you do that, you need to boil and cool it before serving to baby, but you can't keep the boiled water for more than 2 or 3 days before you have to toss it and start the process again.
  
• Also on the subject of water, never drink the first glass out of the tap in the morning because it's been sitting in the pipes all night. And never run hot water out of the tap because it releases more dangerous metals from your pipes. But you shouldn't have a water softener because it takes too many minerals (metals?) out of your water.
  
• Introduce only one new food at a time and feed it for four to seven days to watch for allergies. But don't feed baby too much of one food for more than seven days because you can then CAUSE food sensitivities/allergies that may not have developed if you had only followed the four-to-seven day window. (This presumes that you have some idea what day today is.)
• By the age of 7 months, baby should get the following daily: 3-4 servings of veggies and 1-2 of porridge; every other day: 1-2 of tofu puree, 1 of dairy, 1 egg yolk. BTW, all of these should be homemade from organic ingredients and pureed within an inch of their lives, then strained through cheesecloth to remove any hint of a lump, aka DEATHLY CHOKING HAZARD. (Can I just breast-feed her forever? I don't have the energy for this.)
  
• Brush baby's teeth as soon as she has them, and floss as soon as there are two teeth next to each other. (What about first aid for the resulting finger wounds?) Oh, and everyone should have a new toothbrush every 6 weeks. (6 weeks, 2 years...whatever)
  
• A posted list of 42 foods that are choking hazards for children under three, including corn kernels (cooked or raw), grapes, peanut butter and raisins. (Seriously, what sort of irresponsible parent would feed their child these dangerous foods?)
  
• Advice to keep a pair of scissors handy by the high chair in case your child chokes, so that you can (at this point, Nick was sure I was going to say "you can give your child an emergency tracheostomy") cut the straps and get them out quickly.
  

I could go on...and she does. It's amazing any child makes it to their first birthday.

And finally, I found someone who is way more anal-retentive than me, the author of Home Comforts. Her "reasonable cleaning schedule" (which you should be able to do without outside help or crystal meth) includes these highlights:

• Daily: empty trash cans; clean sinks and tubs, including drains and traps; clean high-use areas of floors, put out fresh kitchen towels. Oh, and make dinner from scratch. Every night. But if you have to use a recipe to make dinner, you're no kind of cook at all.
  
• Weekly: vacuum everything, including furniture and lamps; wash floors; wipe down any surface touched during the week; clean entire kitchen, including all appliances, and scrub floors; wash and sanitize garbage cans.
• Monthly: I don't even want to talk about it.
  

So apparently I'll be spending the new year making my own water, tranquilizing Hannah so that I can floss her teeth, living in an endless cycle of house cleaning similar to the guys who paint the Golden Gate Bridge, all while trying to blog weekly, hit the gym 5 days a week and (re)pack the house for our move next summer. Or maybe I'll let Hannah stuff her cheeks with grapes while we live in our own filth and I read trashy romance novels.

Where'd I leave those chocolates?